Nursing chose me because down deep I believed that if I was needed I would be valued and worthy of being loved. Because of my Adverse Childhood Experiences I ended up trading "helping" for love. I needed to give others what I never got as a kid-nurturing and parenting! To uncover the impact of your childhood experiences.
My lack of self-care, self-worth and self-love started with my story. You see, I'm a recovering Codependent/Enabler; I was born and raised by an addict and an enabler. As a kid, I became a parent to my parents - I was given the role of "fixer". My functionally dysfunctional family valued me when I was the "fixer" of family problems". In ninth grade I tried to ditch the role of fixer - it didn't work! My family made it clear that I was loved and valued because I was the "fixer"; no "fixer" - no love, no value! No surprise that my sense of self, my identity was that of someone who was loved and worthy as long as I was needed!
LISTENING TO ME
Ever since high school, I had this "gut" feeling that I was "here" for a reason. For the next 40 years, that feeling I intensified; it was as if there was something inside me dying to break loose! Like many people do, I ignored my intuition and tried to be happy with "comfortable". This strategy wasn't 't effective; iIt took almost 40 years and a ridiculous number of "signs" but I finally decided to honor my intuition, trust myself and go in search of what my true self had been trying to tell me for four decades. At age 54, I accept that I'm closer to death than birth.; I will not go to my grave with the regret of abandoning and betraying my own knowing; if I fall and lose everything, at least I will die knowing I didn't lose me.
Between 2015-2017 my life started to change; really weird things were happening, I mean weird! The kind of things that give you a shiver up your spine! In May of 2017, I could no longer ignore my intuition or these "signs". Four car accidents, all while parked, combined with an autoimmune disorder that impacted my fine motor skills made me begin to consider what the "Universe" was trying to tell me. One day I'll share all of theses word events but for now I'll just tell you that for the first time in my 54 years, I listened to my intuition and jumped into 100% self-trust. I left a position that seriously I would have done for free, clients that I loved and a salary that I dare not complain about.
I jumped without a net, a strategy, a network, a support system, a desire to make millions or have my own business!
I ignored the logical part of me and stood in solidarity with my soul!
What a hell of a journey! I've been up and I've been down. Others have doubted my ability and sanity and at times I let their words momentarily steer me off course.I've fallen down more times than I care to admit; however, over and over I get righ back up, brush myself off and look for the lesson learned in my fall.
Damn, have I learned a lifetime of lessons in these last 2 years; lessons that can help so many people who can't seem to figure out why they seem to struggle so much!
One of my biggest lessons and challenges has been that what I do to help others is who I am. I never understood that the way I lived my life was the Gift I was given by my parents. I am so grateful for all the negative experiences in my life - my pain, my hurt is the Gift of my story; the Curse was the "mask" I wore with those who inflicted the pain. I am so grateful for those family members and that pain..
BLOG POST - ACUTE vs CHRONIC TOXIC STRESS